Tuesday, March 23, 2010
What is it about our pride that keeps us from saying and doing things that are on our mind? From taking the plunge, being vulnerable and putting yourself out there? Whether its taking a new job, ending a relationship, telling someone you love them, apologizing for being wrong or simply saying "yes those jeans make you look fat."
I am one of those managed risk people. I am cautious, dip my toes in the water and give it a little test before jumping in - at least most of the time.
However, sometimes I do jump in head first and end up slamming my head into the concrete. And then, only after coming to, with a massive headache and seeing stars, do I realize what's happened and what I've done.
Its that fear of getting into another headache style situation that keeps me from acting on the first impulse that comes into my head. That keeps me silent, when to speak would mean saying something that could never be taken back. You can't un-ring the bell after all.
But its also my pride and my fear of putting myself out there to look foolish or weak or dare I say it vulnerable to another person, that I might not be seen as the smart, sophisticated, confident, independent woman I strive to be, that also has kept me trapped in the status quo and has enabled me to live through years of misery - jobs I didn't like, relationships that weren't working, friendships that were destructive.
Its a delicate game of Russian roulette, this putting yourself out there, full of adrenaline and chance. Sometimes you pull the trigger and the chamber is empty - you breathe a big gulp of air, smile, revel in the rush and live to thrive another day. Other times your luck runs out and you're left with a big mess to clean up.
This weekend I pulled the proverbial trigger - the chamber was empty - my body was flooded with a warm sensation and I felt alive. I started to pull the trigger again tonight and chickened out. I think this round can wait for another day.
Monday, March 22, 2010
So there was a trending topic today on Twitter that started with #dearfuturewife and some of the tweets were hilarious
Some other funny ones from a comedian that I follow on twitter @finessemitchell:
#dearfuturewife if u promise we will keep makin love, then I promise WE WILL BE JUST FINE! I GOT U MA! Go ahead,#buyBOTHpurses #sugadaddy
#dearfuturewife I want 3 kids... At LEAST! Know that before u say I DO! And it would b even nicer if u waz dey real Momma!#dontmakemedoit
#dearfuturewife Another headache 2nite? Really Bitch?...Really? I'll be back, I'm going 2 Umm, return a video to blockbuster #creepin
#dearfuturewife I would NEVER call u bitch. You are my QUEEN! But I would type it to my friends!
#dearfuturewife. I will DO WHATEVER u say! I promise!!! But U GOTTA DO WHTEVER I SAY FIRST!!! #ithinkthatsinthebible
#dearfuturewife. PLEASE LOVE PRO FOOTBALL! 4 me! PU-LEASE!!..................oh, and the cheerleaders! PU-LEASE!!!!
But after reading and laughing at all those tweets I started thinking about all the tweets I would send to my #dearfuturehusband. Here are a few of my nuggets of wisdom
#dearfuturehusband I don't cook, I barely clean and I don't want kids. If u DEMAND anything i'll probably tell u to go shove it-any takers?
#dearfuturehusband if u cant put the toilet seat down then u should be forced to go outside #learnfromthecatwhousesabox
#dearfuturehusband understand that i will always get the biggest closet and yes i really need all those pairs of black shoes kthanks
#dearfuturehusband i promise not to EVER drag you to a britney spears concert if you promise to never force me to listen to the Cure
#dearfuturehusband you can play with your friends, watch sports and bro-out just don't ever let me find you wearing my shoes
#dearfuturehusband understand that i am not a maid - we both get to clean the toilet and scrub the tub
#dearfuturehusband you are the official bug killer in the house - no matter what time of day or night #alergictobees
#dearfuturehusband i drink a lot of coffee and thus need flavored creamer and no milk n sugar wont do #imacoffeesnob
#dearfuturehusband yes u are bigger & stronger than me but if u ever lay a hand on me u will unleash a fury like no other
#dearfuturehusband i am fiercely loyal, will love you with all my heart & support you in all you do unless its immoral or unethical
#dearfuturehusband i look forward to a lifetime of love, laughter, challenges, triumphs and tears - lets enjoy this journey together
Sunday, March 21, 2010
So I gave up sweets for Lent and for the first week and a half I did good...but then I fell off the no sweets aka the no candy, no soda, no ice cream, no cake wagon. And I didn't just fall off the wagon. After falling off said wagon, it actually backed up ran me over, stopped, pulled forward and ran over me again.
It started with a soda at work one afternoon when I was on a caffeine low. I justified it because it was a diet Dr. Pepper and it technically wasn't sugar.
A few days later I raided the candy jars at work for a couple bite sized snickers. I just needed a little something sweet to spice up my afternoon after lunch. They were little itty bitty snickers...barely even tasted them. They couldn't possibly count as a lent violation right??
Then Sunday rolled around. Thank God for Sundays during lent. Those are the cheat days. I gorged myself on my boyfriends mothers homemade cake with cream cheese frosting - like three pieces worth. I was like a little kid in a candy store and practically licked the plate clean
The next morning I was on such sugar withdrawls that I couldn't take it. I was jonsing so bad for something sweet it was unreal. I started drinking uber amounts of coffee because I use flavored creamer and that was the only sugar I can legally have via my pact with God.
I did good all week - until Friday when I had a soda at work - damn the soda machine downstairs. I couldn't wait for Sunday and scarfed down an entire bag of white chocolate covered pretzels. Such a glutton. Will the madness ever end?
Then one Monday night last week I cracked like an ancient piece of pottery that had been sitting in sun for years...I had a blizzard from Dairy Queen. Not just any blizzard but a butterfinger/reeses blizzard. Oh sweet Jesus it was good, every last sinful bite.
Yes I am a royal failure at Lent *sigh* But I keep trying. I had some more chocolate covered pretzels this Sunday but so far today, Monday, I'm candy/cake/ice cream/soda free. Wish me luck for the rest of this week. Hopefully I can hold out till Sunday. This week is going to drag on by.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I called my brother Robert last night for the first time in almost three years. That's right I have a third brother. I don't talk about him much on my blog or twitter or Facebook. We're not that close. We should be but we're not.
Just like my other two brothers, Daniel and Scott, he's also a half brother. He's my fathers son. He's 26, will be 27 this October and lives in California. I haven't seen him since I went home for Christmas in 2007. In fact I can't even remember if we've talked since that short visit in Costa Mesa.
It was the night of my birthday dinner. I had just finished dining with my mom, step dad, Daniel, Scott, Grandma Sue, girlfriend Lisa and a few of her friends. Robert was driving in from Apple Valley with a friend - a four hour drive just to see me. He was lost, driving in circles in Costa Mesa and had pulled into a motel parking lot to rest until I could drive to him.
I remember pulling into the back of the parking lot and seeing him get out of the car. And there he was in all his 6'3" glory. Blonde hair, blue eyes and so happy to see his big sister. We talked for a few minutes. It was cold. Lisa was impatient. I had plans to be at a friends house. So we stood there in the parking lot and caught up on years and years worth of news in 20 minutes. Then I gave him $20 bucks for gas and we parted ways.
A part of me died when I left him in that parking lot knowing he was just going to turn around and drive back four hours to Apple Valley to a life of nothing going nowhere. I wanted to scream come with me back to Texas. Come live with me and go to school and let me help you. Let me show you how to have a better life. Anything is better than what you're living now. But instead I just drove away and waved as my car passed his in the parking lot.
We haven't spoken since then. I've tried to call the cell phone number that I had for him but I have a sneaking suspicion I have been leaving random voicemails on someone else's inbox. I tried the old email address I had for him but no response. Then last night I got up the courage to call my step mom Dixie.
This is the woman I have avoided calling all these years. The woman who brings up painful memories of my father and his death whenever I call. But she's also the woman I knew would know how to get in contact with her son, my brother, my Robert. So I called. And she answered. She indeed had a number to where Robert was living and gladly passed it on saying he'll be so happy to hear from you.
I took a deep breath and called Robert. A machine picked up. So I started to leave a message - Hello this is Natalie Tejeda can you please tell her brother Robert Tejeda to give her a call at ------ Holy F**k how the hell are you - my brother excitedly said as he picked up the line.
And that's how our hour and a half conversation started. We talked about life, love, relationships, hardships, work, coming out to visit me in Texas, his going back to school, my stepbrother Scott, my stepsister Paula and my whole gaggle of now grown and teenage nieces and nephews. We laughed about how we've each been trying to track each other down and that it should be easier to keep in better contact now that we're Facebook friends. But just in case we exchanged cell phone numbers.
By the end of our conversation I had a much lighter heart knowing that my little Robert, ok, my gentle giant of a brother Robert was eking along in life but starting to head in the right direction. That he had a little direction for what seemed like the first time in his adult life.
I slept easy knowing that through extending the olive branch and doing a little digging I was able to reconnect to someone very important in my life. Someone who deserves much more than just a quick chat and a $20 spot to get home safely. Someone like Robert, my blood, my brother.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
These days its all about appreciating the little things. Right now I'm sitting in my house with the windows open and basking in the breeze. Its that attitude of: Does it get any better than this?
Just this morning I sat on my couch, drinking my coffee and thanked God for this beautiful blessing that he has bestowed on me. In fact that's how I start most of my mornings - in gratitude for everything that I've been given, especially my house.
It's a feeling of inner peace and serenity and I carry it with me throughout my day. It's a nice change from the chaos that I used to live in.
As a creature of habit I used to thrive on drama and chaos, living in fear of what each day would bring but yet not able to break the vicious cycle of pain that was a constant in my life.
Today life is so different. I work for God. Meaning I give of myself and help others as I think He would have me. Its a completely different way of living life then I ever did before and its entirely more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. That being said He has provided for me in a way that is indescribably more fulfilling then I could have ever hoped for.
Its allowed me to be grateful for the little things and not take anything for granted. Today I know that I am blessed and even though I wonder "Does it get any better than this?" I know it will.