Lost sheep is found but not quite back in the flock

I just got a call from a woman I had been working with who went MIA about two weeks ago. I do a lot of work with women in treatment for substance abuse. This particular woman had had her ups and downs while in treatment - many of them do - but one Saturday while on pass something happened and she decided to leave rehab. I didn't find out she had left until a day later when I was talking to one of her housemates. I was surprised to say the least because she had been doing so well - I thought. Today I got the real story as to why she decided to leave.

While on pass her boyfriend broke up with her and she didn't want to feel the pain. So she left the safety of her rehab to go do what addicts do best - get loaded.

This is what happens when we make our friends/family/significant others our higher powers aka our God. People will always let us down because we put unrealistic expectations on them. No one is perfect. There will always be a fight, a break up or a hurt feeling. Humans are fallible and when we put them on pedistals they fall off and consequently when alcoholics and addicts place their whole world in something fallible they too fall off.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in the past year is to place my dependance in God instead of people and material possessions. In the past I've made my job, my significant others, my car, my paycheck, my clothes/shoes/purses etc... my higher power and I've found that in the pursuit of all of those they've been stripped from me. And after being left curled up in the fetal position in a world of pain I realized the only thing left, and that had been there the entire time, was God.

Today I turn to God first to let me be of service, to do his will and to decide the *bonuses* that should be in my life. Its been a humbling experience to say the least but a most rewarding one. I bring God into all my big decisions. Buying a car last year - on Gods terms. Switching from SAWS to Dublin and Associates - on Gods terms. Buying a house this year - on Gods terms. These are all changes I was willing to make for peace of mind and a better life.

As for the woman I was working with she is back home in her small town where they have meetings twice a week. She tells me she is tired of her old lifestyle, is again willing to make some changes and will be going to those meetings. She's also desperatly trying to get back into treatment but has to face the consequences of her actions - a long waiting list for a bed.

God doesn't make too hard a terms for those who seek him but not everything is handed to us on a silver platter either. There has to be a degree of willingness too. I tell her that people have been getting clean and sober without treatment for years and it can be done if you're serious about your recovery but she's not so sure she can do it. I tell her to dig in, get some phone numbers of some women in your town in recovery and work a program like your life depends on it. She says she will and she'll call me to let me know how she's doing.

In all likely hood I'll probably never hear from her again. Or if I do she'll probably call once or twice more before ceasing all contact. It sounds sad but that's just been my experience and a harsh reality of working with lots of women like her. I hope I'm wrong. I hope she's the exception. I hope she makes it back.

My kind of Wedding

I saw this on a blog this morning and had to pass it on. Not saying that I'm itching to get hitched but IF I were to take the big plunge into the deep end of the pool it would probably look a little something like this.

Herding Dogs, Cats and....Roaches??

This is the blog post I've been trying to write all week but I've been busy and I've had little doggie paws, courtesy of Sunshine, all over my laptop every time I tried to sit down on the couch and write.

Let me just start by saying...George isn't happy...he's been monitoring our house guests from the safety of my new bed all week. But aside from a few hair raising hisses he's been pretty cordial.

We've been doggie sitting all week for my friend Diana aka Sunshine's owner and for Joe aka Katie the shop dogs owner.

Sunshine is an adorable little pomeranian who demands my attention, hence the little paws on my laptop. She reminds me a lot of my little yorkie Bella who was lost when I moved into my current apartment a year and a half ago.

Sunshine is fantastic in the art of begging for food and doesn't like her picture taken. However I was able to snap this pic because I was holding a french fry in my hand and she was looking up at me ;) She was very attentive at the time. Right now she is bounding around the kitchen and barking at me because I'm on the computer instead of petting her...total princess and such an attention whore.

Our other guest Katie is a fox red lab that looks a lot like my other former dog Puma. Katie is a big lover who is extremely well behaved and loves to give kisses.

She's also a great watch dog, barking at everything that approaches the front door - including me. Good girl Katie. She also hunted and killed a very large cockroach her first night here at the house - very good girl.

Roaches, unfortunately, make a sporadic appearance in my apartment in the summer no matter how many times I have the exterminator out. I live in an old pier and beam house so it kind of comes with the territory. Katie just did what my cat refuses to do...attack!! Get em'!! Kill!!

George just watches while I grab the raid and put the nasty buggers out of their misery before tossing their poisoned carcass in the trash all the while meowing for food. I think we know who runs the house right??

So all week I've been "monitoring" the peace process and I'm happy to report that yes there has been a truce formed in my house. Although the Roach didn't make it - it was a suicide mission after all.

Its been a little weird having the responsibility of a dog(s) again. I've been making my regular glamorous appearances in the neighborhood early in the morning complete with bathrobe and poop bag - Sexy! I've been emailing Diana letters penned from Sunshine (I know. I'm a dork) I've found myself staying home so that I can be with the "kiddos."

Not having a dog for a year and a half makes me realize again how much of a responsibility it is having to come home to walk, feed and nurture your little furry family members. I have such a busy life and its a habit I had gotten out of just having a cat who's very independent and only requires me to feed him twice a day and scoop the box (I hate scooping the box)

There are times I wish I had a dog again and then there are times I am glad I get to live vicariously through my friends and one more time just be Auntie Nat the BEST doggie sitter ever!!

The Bed - Its done!

Joe is a miracle worker. Although I have to admit that two weekends ago when when the bed came home and it didn't fit my box spring and mattress I was a little skeptical about how the project was going to turn out. He let me know that the bed project was going to be on hold until after the 4th of July because he was having a party so I kind of just put it out of my mind and figured we'd work on it this weekend. So imagine my surprise when I called Joe Friday night and he told me the bed was DONE!!

What??? No more painting? No more sanding? Just be home for delivery?! OK you twisted my arm ;) So just after 1 this afternoon Joe brought my new and improved bed frame home! After putting it together joe explains how he fixed our previous "mis-calculations"

So here's the moment of truth...does it fit??

YES!!! Whoo Hoo!! I finally have a bed fit for a queen ;)

All I can say is just wow. I am so impressed with Joe and his amazing skills as a master craftsman and wood worker. I am so grateful that I have people like him in my life who are willing to help me, ok in his case, do for me what I can't do for myself.

Now I'm going to take a nap in my new bed ;)

Going High Tech

So in an attempt to become a little more credible and more high tech, I registered my blog with Technoratti. I even have to post a blog with this code in it: whxdirqtsz That's so the computer can find me and start tracking my blog.

Hopefully Technoratti will do a better job than Google, which still doesn't pull up my blog in search engines, even though it is a Google run platform...sheesh.

Goodbye to the Golden State??

Ok I'm sitting here in a total state of shock. I've tried calling all my friends and no one is answering...punks (and thats the nice word for it) So this is my only outlet for my total mind blowing breaking news flash: My family is moving from Southern California to North Carolina by the end of summer...probably. WTF!!!!

I just got the 411 from my little brother Daniel, who's not so little, he's 18, but he's still my little brother and that's not the point. The point is my family IS MOVING FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TO NORTH CAROLINA IN A MONTH AND A HALF!!!!

OK breathe in....out....in...out. I can't even get them to visit me in Texas and I've been here for almost four years, which I might add they promised to do this summer. And instead they visit my aunt and uncle for a few days in North Carolina because they're close by on a trip to D.C. and decide to move there??? HELLO!!! What is going on? Has hell frozen over? Please tell me because the last time I checked it was 100+ here in San Antonio. Or has the world ended and I've finally ended up where I always feared I would?

Ok so maybe I'm over reacting a bit but I'm hurt. Apparently I'm the last to know. Apparently not only are my mom, my step dad and my two little brothers (13 & 18) going to be tarheels but they've also recruited my Aunt Sheri too.

My question is...why not Texas? After all San Antonio was named one of Forbes top ten most recession proof cities. Its also has one of the best housing markets and aside from the current heat wave, it has gorgeous weather.

I have been trying to get my parents to move here, hell just consider the idea of relocating here, since I moved here in December of 2005. I can't believe they would just make the decision to sell their SoCal home and move to North Carolina without even giving San Antonio a glance. In fact I'm downright insulted.

But aside from my anger I'm also sad. The thoughts of no more Christmas' in California by the beach, no more ocean breeze, no more waking up in my own bed in my own room in my parents house, no more sitting on "our" patio with my brother having long talks, no more birthdays in that kitchen, no more drinking coffee and reading the Sunday paper in my chair, the memories we shared in that house...no more. I can't believe it could really be happening...in just a few months.

Looking for...Me

I started this year with a goal...to find myself. I felt a little like Julia Roberts in the runaway bride...not really even knowing how I liked my eggs cooked. Which really isn't true because I like them over medium with bacon. But you get the point. I was feeling lost having just come out of another (failed) long term relationship. 

You see I have this really bad habit of going from one relationship to another. In fact I've spent the better part of the past 15 years in back to back relationships. Each time I come tearing out of one, and its usually ugly, there would be some other poor soul to take their place. My therapist would call it co-dependancy.  I simply call it fear. Fear of being alone. So instead of taking time to heal and reflect on what went wrong I would simply find someone new to latch onto like a barnacle in the hopes they would find me good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, perfect enough, etc...to be worthy of keeping around.

I got real good at being the girl you wanted me to be. I became friends with your friends and was fun to be around. I took on your hobbies and likes. You like punk rock? I like punk rock! You want to go to the river? I can do the river! I became the master chameleon. In essence, I was the perfect girlfriend, always up for fun and always had a smile on my face.

However, there is a flip side of my personality. I have a horrible fear of commitment and can't stand normalcy. So while part of me longed for someone to love me the other part of me was constantly looking outward for the next best thing horribly afraid I would miss the "something better" that would come along because I was in a relationship.

It didn't make things any easier that I chose to pursue a career that moved me about the country. In fact it made it much easier for me to just pick up and take off with things got too serious. Sure the relationship would hang on for a few months when I was in my new town but then I would find someone new who would give me the attention I craved and I'd be off to the races. It was a vicious cycle that ruined numerous relationships and caused irreparable emotional damage to my exes. I wasn't a very nice person and I'm not proud of my behavior.

But this year, having decided it was time for a change, I made up my mind that at 32 years old I was going to learn just who the hell I am and what the hell I like. I've spent so much time catering to my significant others that it seems like I don't even know who I am anymore. So I made a list - not a bucket list - because I don't plan on kicking off anytime soon, but a list of what I want to do, for myself this year besides spend time with my cat George. 

Its now 6 months in and here's where I'm at:

1) No relationships - dating is ok but no commitments for 1 year (Leo and I have been dating since January and he's been very understanding about my process and my goal of having a year of self discovery. He's fun, has two fantastic kids, a great dancer and rides a harley.

2) Visit my friend Kaushal in Atlanta - she's a freelance anchor for CNN  (I made a trip out to Atlanta in Feb)

3) Visit my Grandma & Grandpa Tejeda in Nebraska (I just spent memorial weekend with them. See previous blog: What I learned on my trip to Nebraska

4) Have Fun (Diana and I consistently hit up the Bonham Exchange for  nights of dancing. We've even managed to drag some of our other friends, like my roommate Jeanie, out with us.)

 (I've been to lots of Spurs games and even had my picture taken with the coyote.)

5) Laugh More (These days...I laugh a lot)

6) Buy a house (This is something I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember. Now I am well on my way to buying a house and should be a homeowner by the end of the year)

7) Travel (I have just applied for my passport and hopefully will do some traveling later this year. I also went fishing a few months back in Corpus where I caught a HUGE redfish)

8) Visit my family in California more (I have already made one trip back home. Granted it was for my grandmothers funeral but I did get to spend Easter with my family and it was a wonderful experience overall.

9) Get a promotion/raise at work (working on that ;)

10) Freelance On Air Work (I have taken some print pictures and completed one audition for some on air work) 

11) Start a blog (nuff said)

12) Be of service to my community (I am very active in my community but I'm still looking for a board or committee to serve on)

With half the year gone I feel like I've come so far but I still have so much farther to go. I've stayed up late, discovered new tv shows, drank lots of coffee, met new twitter friends, started Zumbaing, gotten closer to my close girlfriends than I ever thought I could have imagined (thank you Diana for everything) and each day I'm so grateful for what the next may bring. This year of reinvention, of discovery, of fun was so needed so deep down in my soul. 

For so long I felt so empty and felt like I was just going through the motions. This year I have felt more alive than I ever have. I have danced till my feet hurt. I have laughed till my smile felt like it would crack my face in half and I know that God has so many more blessings in store for me. Thank you all for being part of my life. ~n