Growing Up...a little

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and unfortunately, not a lot of posting. I went to the coast this weekend and spent a lot of time looking at the ocean thinking about my life.

I've got a lot of what I like to call "big girl" decisions coming up. Some of them I've already made, some are around the corner and some are what I view as Gods little curve balls.

I made one today. It was the end of something that has been a constant in my life all year but its a loss that I feel nonetheless. It was done without any drama or tears, I'm not the crying type, but for the first time in a long time it was a decision that was made without any fear because God was with me and I knew it was time to let go.

Today I intuitively knew how to handle a situation that used to baffle me.

This year has been about self discovery, about finding myself and I've definitely stumbled along the way. It's been about letting go of old behaviors, past patterns, bad habits and the like. Its been about finding out who I am and what I like to do. Its been about making new friends, laughing and finding joy in all I do. Its been about working a new job and walking through fear. I've watched friends move away, relationships end and I've begun rebuilding my life from the ground up...this time with God at the helm.

Its amazing how much smoother things go when I let the big man take the wheel and drive.

I recently put an offer on a house...then walked away. I put an offer on another house...I'm about to walk away again. I'm learning that what I want is not always what's best for me or what's in Gods plan for me. But what I do know is that I have faith that things always get better and I am becoming a better person each and every day.

I know that I don't have to hurt peoples feelings but sometime I do and inadvertently I will. I know when that happens I can make amends and if at all possible make it right and my friendships will be better because of it.

I'm learning how to let people in and let them get to know the real me - slowly. The me who likes to drink coffee and laugh and smoke way too many cigarettes. The me who likes to Zumba my butt off, bake cookies and dance in my living room until the sun comes up. The me who likes to ride Harley's and watch HGTV and tweet endless amounts of babble. The me who is perfectly imperfect but is striving to be the woman God intended me to be.

Live Music, Concerts and More

Its been awhile since I last posted. In fact, its been a whole month...my bad. But I've been out having fun, living life and working my butt off ;)

I recently went to the Metallica concert when they were here in San Antonio and they absolutely kicked ass!

I have been a Metallica fan since I was 15 and I first heard their black album. They hooked me in with the song Enter Sandman and I immediately went out and bought all their other CD's and a few tapes. Yes I'm that old that I owned tapes. CD's were still new technology back then.

I remember I was supposed to go to the big joint Metallica/Gun & Roses concert that year but I got grounded and didn't get to go. I was heart broken. But I finally got to see my favorite band in 2005 on their St. Anger tour when they came to Tucson, AZ. I was so pumped. They played all my favorite songs.

I was a reporter at the local Fox station in town and we did a story on big name bands playing smaller cities and venues. I was able to meet and interview Lars. I even took a picture with him ;) It was one of my favorite moments in television news.

This time I almost didn't get to go to the concert. But Johnny "Fingers" Compian of 1250 The Zone hooked me up with an extra ticket he had - You Rock Johnny!!

Our seats were incredible! Metallica, as always, was awesome. Master of Puppets - Intense! One - Perfect. Enter Sandman - Just as I remember. They brought down the house!

My other new passion has been for hearing local bands play at Gruene Hall. I received a new project at work - to put together live music newsletters for all the upcoming bands that will be playing in the New Braunfels area and its been amazing.

Over the past few months I have discovered some insanely good artists that I never would have discovered had I not been researching their bios and surfing their websites and myspace pages for information.

Two weekends ago I saw Stewart Mann and the Statesboro Revue and Bleu Edmondson play at Gruene Hall. Both were awesome and I bought their CDs. In fact I haven't been able to get their CD's out of my CD player.

Here is a video I took of Bleu performing his song Resurrection:

Bleu will be playing next in San Antonio at Jacks on 11/6. The Statesboro Revue will be playing on Wednesday the 14th of October at River Road Icehouse. You all should check them out!

Patiently Waiting

So I put an offer in on a house almost a month ago and I've been waiting patiently to hear back. The "I want to buy your home are you going to sell it?" situation is complicated. So I've been patient and holding off on a blog post hoping to write good news like...It's mine!! Its all mine!! But alas no...the waiting continues.

Have you ever heard the joke "How do you make God laugh? You tell him your plans!" Yeah God is laughing at me and I am patiently waiting for answers. Fortunatly, I'm willing to wait and also willing to adjust my plan because it may just not include the very house I've put on my very short list of...one.

*heavy sigh*

Ahhhh....Reality. Its not always fun and it doesn't always feel fair but I've found that God usually has a better idea of the bigger picture than I do, so its best to just have a little faith that things will all work out for the best without my meddling and manipulating.

Don't get me wrong - its not that I don't want to jump in there and make that house my own and make things happen. Trust me - I do! However, its been my experience that when I get involved and "force" a situation to "go my way" it doesn't stay in my favor for long.

Call it karma, call it murphys law, call it self will, call it my own bad luck, call it whatever you want. I just know that this kind of "negotiation" is best left to professionals and God gets to decide the outcome - in his time - not mine. And I'm sure along the way I'll learn some valuable lesson, build some character, yada, yada, yada...But...in the process...waiting sucks. The good news however, is that I am a very patient woman ;)

Being the Big Sister I Never Thought I Could Be

I talked to my little, ok now kinda grown up, brother Daniel on Facebook today. He's 18, just graduated from high school and starting to figure out this thing called LIFE.

He's made some very grown up decisions lately by telling my parents he's not going to be attending Humboldt State in the fall. Instead he'll be staying close to home and following my footsteps by going the community college route. I can only imagine the fear it 1) took for him to stand his ground with my parents and 2) charter the unknown territories of not having a plan all mapped out for him by my mother.

But he seems to be doing well and I'm happy for him. He's acting, having fun, hanging out with his friends and girlfriend, and sends me regular text messages. He also often comes to me for advice, especially about all of the above.

Daniel and I didn't always have such a great relationship. We used to fight like cats and dogs...or more appropriately like siblings. You see, my mom remarried when I was 8 to my stepfather, who is a wonderful man. Daniel didn't come along until I was 14 years old. Having been an only child for so long having a sibling after so many years of solitude was quite an adjustment. Actually that's an understatement.

Daniel got away with everything I got in trouble or got grounded for. He told on me and narked me out. I was the live in baby sitter. For so long I HATED him. Four years later, my brother Scotty came along. Now instead of one there was TWO!!

By this time I had graduated from high school and was attending college, partying with my friends and resented the hell out of having to take time out to babysit much less attend family functions. Even though I was living at home off and on, I spent as little time as possible with my family and even less time with Daniel and Scott. I was a sister only in name.

The change happened about the time I was living in Arizona, around 2003. I came home for flower festival and he rode with me up to my grandmothers house. We talked the whole drive up and all of a sudden Daniel realized I was an ally and not the enemy. We forged a truce. He realized I could be a conduit between mom and dad. That I could be a neutral third party that could help with negotiations. He later flew out to Tucson to visit me and do an internship at the TV station I was working at over the summer.

By becoming more active in Daniels life I became more active in Scotts life. Granted I'm still much closer to Daniel but I also take more time with Scott when I visit. We watch movies, play volleyball and talk. I call the house and spend a few minutes on the phone with Scott before asking to talk to mom and dad. I'm even his friend on Facebook ;)

This past Christmas when I went home was probably the best Christmas I'd had in years. I just hunkered down and soaked up my family. I took Daniel to get his official California ID card. He wasn't allowed to get his drivers license yet.

I played Rummi Cube with Scott - the evil mastermind

We took this picture which sits on my desk at work. It brings a smile to my face every time I look at it and realize how far I've come in my relationship with my brothers. It did take a few takes to get one that Scott wasn't doing bunny ears behind my head ;)

Although I live 2,000 miles always from my little, now growing up to be big brothers, I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I have changed and grown into the big sister I never wanted to be but am so glad I am.

If I could give them one last piece of advice it would be to live your life for you and no one else. Live it to the fullest. Laugh a lot and often. And above everything else...have fun. I love you always ~ your big sister Nat

A note to the Roaches

So my cat George totally redeemed himself/herself this weekend and earned his/her overpriced kitty food.

After spending Thursday night in a cleaning fit sucking up all the little cat/dog hair balls that were floating around my hardwood floors I found several uninvited guests hiding out underneath the furniture. Fortunately they were DEAD guests. I could tell by the flipped over, on the back, legs to the sky position they had taken up. So I did what any normal girl would do...I sucked them up with the attachment wand on the vacuum.

I thought I had gotten all the little buggers - 3 1/2 in total - one was only in partial pieces under the litter box. Where the rest of him went I have no idea but I don't care. I was happy, the floors were clean, the roaches were gone and ahhhhhhh I could breathe normally again. But then Saturday night rolled around.

I was sitting on the couch watching Divine Design on HGTV waiting for Diana to show up before we hit up the Bonham and heard a noise in the kitchen. George was chasing something!! I flipped on the lights and to my surprise not only had he cornered a roach but he had injured it! My seemingly lazy cat had actually done his job and captured an intruder! Good kitty - a greeny treat for you!

As I stared at the prisoner, watching him ooze some gooey black substance, his antenna twitched. He knew he was caught and the end was near. With one swift motion, never taking my eyes off of him, I crushed him with my flip flop.

Ahhhh the sweet smell of victory. I hope his friends were watching. Let all roaches who even think of entering my home know to trespass here is a death sentence. For I am friends with powerful people - specifically Sir Ricardo the Exterminator and King George the Enforcer.

Lost sheep is found but not quite back in the flock

I just got a call from a woman I had been working with who went MIA about two weeks ago. I do a lot of work with women in treatment for substance abuse. This particular woman had had her ups and downs while in treatment - many of them do - but one Saturday while on pass something happened and she decided to leave rehab. I didn't find out she had left until a day later when I was talking to one of her housemates. I was surprised to say the least because she had been doing so well - I thought. Today I got the real story as to why she decided to leave.

While on pass her boyfriend broke up with her and she didn't want to feel the pain. So she left the safety of her rehab to go do what addicts do best - get loaded.

This is what happens when we make our friends/family/significant others our higher powers aka our God. People will always let us down because we put unrealistic expectations on them. No one is perfect. There will always be a fight, a break up or a hurt feeling. Humans are fallible and when we put them on pedistals they fall off and consequently when alcoholics and addicts place their whole world in something fallible they too fall off.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in the past year is to place my dependance in God instead of people and material possessions. In the past I've made my job, my significant others, my car, my paycheck, my clothes/shoes/purses etc... my higher power and I've found that in the pursuit of all of those they've been stripped from me. And after being left curled up in the fetal position in a world of pain I realized the only thing left, and that had been there the entire time, was God.

Today I turn to God first to let me be of service, to do his will and to decide the *bonuses* that should be in my life. Its been a humbling experience to say the least but a most rewarding one. I bring God into all my big decisions. Buying a car last year - on Gods terms. Switching from SAWS to Dublin and Associates - on Gods terms. Buying a house this year - on Gods terms. These are all changes I was willing to make for peace of mind and a better life.

As for the woman I was working with she is back home in her small town where they have meetings twice a week. She tells me she is tired of her old lifestyle, is again willing to make some changes and will be going to those meetings. She's also desperatly trying to get back into treatment but has to face the consequences of her actions - a long waiting list for a bed.

God doesn't make too hard a terms for those who seek him but not everything is handed to us on a silver platter either. There has to be a degree of willingness too. I tell her that people have been getting clean and sober without treatment for years and it can be done if you're serious about your recovery but she's not so sure she can do it. I tell her to dig in, get some phone numbers of some women in your town in recovery and work a program like your life depends on it. She says she will and she'll call me to let me know how she's doing.

In all likely hood I'll probably never hear from her again. Or if I do she'll probably call once or twice more before ceasing all contact. It sounds sad but that's just been my experience and a harsh reality of working with lots of women like her. I hope I'm wrong. I hope she's the exception. I hope she makes it back.

My kind of Wedding

I saw this on a blog this morning and had to pass it on. Not saying that I'm itching to get hitched but IF I were to take the big plunge into the deep end of the pool it would probably look a little something like this.