Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Growing Up...a little
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and unfortunately, not a lot of posting. I went to the coast this weekend and spent a lot of time looking at the ocean thinking about my life.
I've got a lot of what I like to call "big girl" decisions coming up. Some of them I've already made, some are around the corner and some are what I view as Gods little curve balls.
I made one today. It was the end of something that has been a constant in my life all year but its a loss that I feel nonetheless. It was done without any drama or tears, I'm not the crying type, but for the first time in a long time it was a decision that was made without any fear because God was with me and I knew it was time to let go.
Today I intuitively knew how to handle a situation that used to baffle me.
This year has been about self discovery, about finding myself and I've definitely stumbled along the way. It's been about letting go of old behaviors, past patterns, bad habits and the like. Its been about finding out who I am and what I like to do. Its been about making new friends, laughing and finding joy in all I do. Its been about working a new job and walking through fear. I've watched friends move away, relationships end and I've begun rebuilding my life from the ground up...this time with God at the helm.
Its amazing how much smoother things go when I let the big man take the wheel and drive.
I recently put an offer on a house...then walked away. I put an offer on another house...I'm about to walk away again. I'm learning that what I want is not always what's best for me or what's in Gods plan for me. But what I do know is that I have faith that things always get better and I am becoming a better person each and every day.
I know that I don't have to hurt peoples feelings but sometime I do and inadvertently I will. I know when that happens I can make amends and if at all possible make it right and my friendships will be better because of it.
I'm learning how to let people in and let them get to know the real me - slowly. The me who likes to drink coffee and laugh and smoke way too many cigarettes. The me who likes to Zumba my butt off, bake cookies and dance in my living room until the sun comes up. The me who likes to ride Harley's and watch HGTV and tweet endless amounts of babble. The me who is perfectly imperfect but is striving to be the woman God intended me to be.