Tuesday, March 23, 2010

100 Blog Challenge - #19 - Pride

What is it about our pride that keeps us from saying and doing things that are on our mind? From taking the plunge, being vulnerable and putting yourself out there? Whether its taking a new job, ending a relationship, telling someone you love them, apologizing for being wrong or simply saying "yes those jeans make you look fat."

I am one of those managed risk people. I am cautious, dip my toes in the water and give it a little test before jumping in - at least most of the time.

However, sometimes I do jump in head first and end up slamming my head into the concrete. And then, only after coming to, with a massive headache and seeing stars, do I realize what's happened and what I've done.

Its that fear of getting into another headache style situation that keeps me from acting on the first impulse that comes into my head. That keeps me silent, when to speak would mean saying something that could never be taken back. You can't un-ring the bell after all.

But its also my pride and my fear of putting myself out there to look foolish or weak or dare I say it vulnerable to another person, that I might not be seen as the smart, sophisticated, confident, independent woman I strive to be, that also has kept me trapped in the status quo and has enabled me to live through years of misery - jobs I didn't like, relationships that weren't working, friendships that were destructive.

Its a delicate game of Russian roulette, this putting yourself out there, full of adrenaline and chance. Sometimes you pull the trigger and the chamber is empty - you breathe a big gulp of air, smile, revel in the rush and live to thrive another day. Other times your luck runs out and you're left with a big mess to clean up.

This weekend I pulled the proverbial trigger - the chamber was empty - my body was flooded with a warm sensation and I felt alive. I started to pull the trigger again tonight and chickened out. I think this round can wait for another day.

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