I started this year with a goal...to find myself. I felt a little like Julia Roberts in the runaway bride...not really even knowing how I liked my eggs cooked. Which really isn't true because I like them over medium with bacon. But you get the point. I was feeling lost having just come out of another (failed) long term relationship.
You see I have this really bad habit of going from one relationship to another. In fact I've spent the better part of the past 15 years in back to back relationships. Each time I come tearing out of one, and its usually ugly, there would be some other poor soul to take their place. My therapist would call it co-dependancy. I simply call it fear. Fear of being alone. So instead of taking time to heal and reflect on what went wrong I would simply find someone new to latch onto like a barnacle in the hopes they would find me good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, perfect enough, etc...to be worthy of keeping around.
I got real good at being the girl you wanted me to be. I became friends with your friends and was fun to be around. I took on your hobbies and likes. You like punk rock? I like punk rock! You want to go to the river? I can do the river! I became the master chameleon. In essence, I was the perfect girlfriend, always up for fun and always had a smile on my face.
However, there is a flip side of my personality. I have a horrible fear of commitment and can't stand normalcy. So while part of me longed for someone to love me the other part of me was constantly looking outward for the next best thing horribly afraid I would miss the "something better" that would come along because I was in a relationship.
It didn't make things any easier that I chose to pursue a career that moved me about the country. In fact it made it much easier for me to just pick up and take off with things got too serious. Sure the relationship would hang on for a few months when I was in my new town but then I would find someone new who would give me the attention I craved and I'd be off to the races. It was a vicious cycle that ruined numerous relationships and caused irreparable emotional damage to my exes. I wasn't a very nice person and I'm not proud of my behavior.
But this year, having decided it was time for a change, I made up my mind that at 32 years old I was going to learn just who the hell I am and what the hell I like. I've spent so much time catering to my significant others that it seems like I don't even know who I am anymore. So I made a list - not a bucket list - because I don't plan on kicking off anytime soon, but a list of what I want to do, for myself this year besides spend time with my cat George.
Its now 6 months in and here's where I'm at:
1) No relationships - dating is ok but no commitments for 1 year (Leo and I have been dating since January and he's been very understanding about my process and my goal of having a year of self discovery. He's fun, has two fantastic kids, a great dancer and rides a harley.
2) Visit my friend Kaushal in Atlanta - she's a freelance anchor for CNN (I made a trip out to Atlanta in Feb)
3) Visit my Grandma & Grandpa Tejeda in Nebraska (I just spent memorial weekend with them. See previous blog: What I learned on my trip to Nebraska
4) Have Fun (Diana and I consistently hit up the Bonham Exchange for nights of dancing. We've even managed to drag some of our other friends, like my roommate Jeanie, out with us.)
(I've been to lots of Spurs games and even had my picture taken with the coyote.)
5) Laugh More (These days...I laugh a lot)
6) Buy a house (This is something I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember. Now I am well on my way to buying a house and should be a homeowner by the end of the year)
7) Travel (I have just applied for my passport and hopefully will do some traveling later this year. I also went fishing a few months back in Corpus where I caught a HUGE redfish)
8) Visit my family in California more (I have already made one trip back home. Granted it was for my grandmothers funeral but I did get to spend Easter with my family and it was a wonderful experience overall.
9) Get a promotion/raise at work (working on that ;)
10) Freelance On Air Work (I have taken some print pictures and completed one audition for some on air work)
11) Start a blog (nuff said)
12) Be of service to my community (I am very active in my community but I'm still looking for a board or committee to serve on)
With half the year gone I feel like I've come so far but I still have so much farther to go. I've stayed up late, discovered new tv shows, drank lots of coffee, met new twitter friends, started Zumbaing, gotten closer to my close girlfriends than I ever thought I could have imagined (thank you Diana for everything) and each day I'm so grateful for what the next may bring. This year of reinvention, of discovery, of fun was so needed so deep down in my soul.
For so long I felt so empty and felt like I was just going through the motions. This year I have felt more alive than I ever have. I have danced till my feet hurt. I have laughed till my smile felt like it would crack my face in half and I know that God has so many more blessings in store for me. Thank you all for being part of my life. ~n
I applaud the audacity you have to write down what you're feeling on this blog. I often have a need to get a better sense of self but rarely act on it. My aspirations haven't become goals yet. Maybe I should write them down as you did and make myself follow through.
ReplyDeleteYou say you are afraid of commitment. But relationships are only one type of commitment, right? Don't forget the promises you make to yourself. If you can accomplish these, I'd say you have a good foundation to building better relationships. :)
great blog, take care and just date and have fun and tell all you will not stop them from moving on and the stars will just line up in your favor. good luck and tell everyone u meet to say a prayer for u and then u will be amazed at the results.enjoy your year every year.
ReplyDeleteSome people lack the moral fiber it takes to admit to something like this. I applaud you. I have known you for a few months already and never truly realized that you were a person from the normal world. It sounds worse than it is, but sometimes personalities like yours are taken for granted. You are at unreachable pedestals, so to speak. With this comes the knowledge that everyone is different, but, then again, we're still pretty much the same!
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